I don’t understand why God has put me where I am. I don’t understand why I have the relationships I do. I don’t understand why people always say they can open up easy to me, and pour out their troubles to me. I don’t understand why they always say I give good advice.
But it happens.
I know that if it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t know half the people I do, and definitely most of the people I am really close to. But when you know a lot of people, sometimes, others get unintentionally thrown under the bus. I hate that, and it shouldn’t be the case. No one deserves that. I hope to mend those relationships, and to be the man God has called me to be.
I understand one thing though: God has put me in a unique position and place, and has given me a great opportunity to be a powerful influence for good. He has put me in a place where I can either do a lot of good, or a lot of damage. I know so many people, and they know so many people, and so on. I have either met or heard of most of the homeschoolers in Durham county!
And that’s kinda awesome. But also kinda scary. Why is that scary? Because:
Like it or not, it seems He wants me to lead.
“Aaaaaaah! But I don’t wanna lead a bunch of people and help them with all their problems!”
But that’s selfishness talking. “DEATH TO THE FLESH!!!” I must reply.
I had already kinda, sorta taken on the role, but not fully. I was playing around with it. I have actually been playing around with very serious things way too much lately. And so I was taking on so much burden and responsibility and hurt and pain and I was being strong for everyone else and I ended up having nothing left for myself… and it was because I was giving myself to them only halfheartedly, and I wasn’t seeking God.
I wasn’t seeking God…
I can’t do this without Him. I’ll break down again. I’ll collapse. I’ll end up falling apart again. And that shouldn’t have to happen anyway.
If I’m their leader, God must be mine. I have to seek Him, or then I’ll be empty. A godly leader is a pastor=shepherd. He is a way that God helps His people, and reaches out to them. He is a minister=tool. God is the river, and he is the creek flowing out, reaching out, to others with life-giving water. Thus, I can’t possibly give them what I don’t have. If I’m drained (because I wasn’t seeking God), then I can’t help.
I like helping. It feels good. But the best help I can give is, 1) praying for them, and 2) taking care of myself enough so that I’m not worn out again.
“Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone;
Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone!”
My hope and strength are in the Lord. So why do I act as if they’re not? I draw from Him. So why do I act as if I don’t? I really like Psalm 42, where David is so desperate for the Lord. He is desiring Him above all else. I hope that I will always pray something like that.
Even knowing God, you can still always know Him deeper. That’s the awesome thing about being a Christian: you’re never done growing! You’re always being sanctified, that is, being made more like Him!
Oh, God! If it’s Your will for me to take this role right now, I will do so gladly. But only if You are with me! I can’t do this without you. Be with me, so that I will succeed in helping others know you better. May telling of Your mercies and spreading the knowledge of the Lord be my one focus and goal.